Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, The: A 25 Year Landmark Study (Paperback)
Posted on | September 29, 2009 |
Review
During the last 40 years, our society’s views on how families are created and how they operate has undergone a tremendous shift. In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, authors Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis, and Sandra Blakeslee have assembled a variety of stories from people of different ages and life stages. Some are children of divorce, some are from families that stayed unhappily intact, but all of them offer valuable information important to all of us as pare (more…)
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12 Responses to “Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, The: A 25 Year Landmark Study (Paperback)”
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September 29th, 2009 @ 5:15 pm
Having suffered through an unwanted divorce twenty years ago, and having taken on the full responsibility for raising my two children (ages 10 and 13 at the time), “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” was a welcomed book by me and my children.
My children have continued to experience divorce related issues as they have moved into adulthood. Maturity, relationships, marriage, and parenting have been catalysts for the emergence of feelings that were buried and denied. Judith Wallerstein’s excellent book provides the context and structure for my adult children to explore and understand their “new” feelings (and behaviors) enabling them to move-on, happier and emotionally healthier.
My children, their spouses, and I have all read “Unexpected Legacy of Divorce.” We have and will continue to use the book as a resource in our on-going effort to get closure. We have all come to understand that the feelings and behaviors that are surfacing are not unique but, rather, are quite “normal” for children of divorce. This has been of great comfort for them - allowing them to cleanse the shadows of divorce and move forward with greater confidence that they are not weird.
Wallerstein has conducted a longitudinal research study of divorce dating back to the late 1970’s. “Unexpected Legacy” is the third and most recent book based on the study. In previous books, she has studied the effects of divorce, not only on children, as she has in this book, but also on the divorcing parents. All of the books are “must reads” for those who are considering divorce or have divorced.
Over the years, I have had a number of people confide in me that either they or their spouses were considering divorce. My advice has always been to read Wallerstein’s series to learn the variety of outcomes that can arise post-divorce and the strategies of those who faired best. Those considering divorce are all well advised to “do their homework.”
These books are also a must read for anyone involved in family and/or divorce counseling - religious or secular counselors.
In “Unexpected Legacy of Divorce,” the authors address the myth that the children will do fine if the parents are happy - divorced. Children, no matter how amicable and settled the parents are after divorce, suffer greatly. They lose their family, they lose control of their life (to the whims of parents and rules of courts), and they lose their childhood. All of these combine to provide a series of struggles as they move into adulthood and beyond.
Important subject areas covered in this book include:
* The ghosts of childhood - the bottomline after 25 years
* The exploitation of children by divorcing parents
* The development path to adulthood being thrown out of sync
* Pushing a child’s real feelings and thoughts underground by being busy
* Children trapped by real feelings and thoughts of the break-up
* Children dealing with the loss of THEIR nuclear family; the family that created them just vanishing - a loss that will be quietly or openly mourned throughout their lives.
* Why children turn on a parent(s) years later
* Children living with and coping with chaos
* Children and low self-esteem
* The missing father or mother after divorce
* Children growing up lonely
* Relationships with the “steps” (step-parents)
* The loss of mom - whether or not she is physically available
* Court ordered visitation and its disruption of a “real” life for the children to make mom and dad complete
* Children of divorce taking the leap in relationships and marriages - the return of the relationship ghost
* The role of an intact family for modeling and shaping children whether their parents marriage is filled with joy, or loveless, or abusive
* Other residues of divorce for children - fear of loss, fear of change, fear that disaster will strike, especially when things are going well
* And the need for all involved in divorce, directly or indirectly, to be educated on all the issues that emanate from the divorce for children over their life as well as in the short term.
This will not be an easy read for many. It was not intended to be. Nevertheless, the journey this book provides will be fruitful.
I recommend this and Wallerstein’s other books highly. These are an important books which will not diminish in value over time. These are classics.
September 29th, 2009 @ 6:28 pm
The brand new 352 page book really spells out with great insight how children are affected by divorce. Written by a true authority in the field, Dr. Wallerstein’s book should be required reading for parents in troubled marriages. Kids of such marriages are OWED this information. Through her many interviews with children of divorced parents, she has learned how they really feel, how they react to divorce and how it has affected their own married lives and their children years later. Just a few of the topics covered include: When a Child Becomes the Caregiver, What If They’d Stayed Together- and What If They Can’t, Family Ties, Growing Up Lonely, Court-Ordered Visiting, the Child’s View, The Stepfamily, and much, much more. Dr. Wallerstein shows how many children of divorced parents actually overcome their fears and sorrows, and become loving partners and parents. Of great importance is her coverage of whether parents should stay unhappily married or to divorce, a question routinely faced by couples. This is a great book that should be read not only by parents, but all of those dealing with potential divorce situations. A very important book, that can only help the situation.
September 29th, 2009 @ 6:40 pm
5.0 out of 5 stars
Useful but incomplete
Are these results really unexpected? Do parents really think that children are not affected by divorce?
September 29th, 2009 @ 7:54 pm
5.0 out of 5 stars
very good
this book provides an excellent examination of some of the ways in which divorce affects children whose parents have divorced.
September 29th, 2009 @ 8:37 pm
3.0 out of 5 stars
Unexpected Legacy of Divorce . . .
What a great book! I love that the study was done over 25 years and that children of divorce were measured against functional and dysfunctional intact families.
September 30th, 2009 @ 12:12 am
5.0 out of 5 stars
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
This is the best research and factual information regarding the effects of Divorce on children who are natural psychological victims of their parents’Divorce.
September 30th, 2009 @ 2:23 am
5.0 out of 5 stars
Hello? Divorce Ain’t Good for Kids!
This is an invaluable study, simultaneously profound and deeply disturbing. Researchers/authors Wallerstein, Lewis, and Blakeslee describe a quarter century societal shift of…
September 30th, 2009 @ 6:08 am
5.0 out of 5 stars
Makes you think
The author clearly demonstrates (to her own surprise) that divorce is always and permanently harmful to children.
September 30th, 2009 @ 11:16 am
4.0 out of 5 stars
Not what I expected
This book was given to me by a friend about a year after my divorce in 2003. A little background about myself and my username: I am indeed a “mister mom” working full time while…
September 30th, 2009 @ 11:25 am
1.0 out of 5 stars
Flawed study with flawed conclusions. There are better alternatives.
This book is a poisonous but convincingly well written attack on divorce. It’s conclusions — that divorce pretty much always destroys the children — kept me in a bad marriage…
September 30th, 2009 @ 2:17 pm
5.0 out of 5 stars
An absolute must for anyone touched by divorce.
I believed that at 46, my healing from my parents divorce when I was 11 was finally resolving. I have 3 brothers that haven’t even begun to heal, they continue in the “land of…
September 30th, 2009 @ 4:57 pm
2.0 out of 5 stars
It makes useful points
On one hand, this book makes useful points and divorce and its impact on children and offers better alternatives.